To schmooze or not to schmooze
If there's one thing poly people know how to do, its network and we do it very well. One should always find community whenever it is possible. Poly Living 2010 is a conference weekend for poly people from around the world to attend. This year it is being held in Seattle or Renton, WA more accurately.
The conference began last night with a key note address by Dossie Easton (co-author of "The Ethical Slut") and she gave a wonderful spirited talk about her life and epiphanies. Very open, honest and revealing monologue peppered with very funny anecdotes. Dossie said that she sees us moving to a time of pluralism in relationships and that we've come a long way in our culture since the discovery of the 1960's and 70's. The world has opened up to understanding of diversity in relationship forms. We've handed down a tradition of consentuality to our kids. They come to see their parents's other partners as a resource for themselves. Kids are meant to grow up in a village. Babies are designed to recognize a large number of people as family. She says that we need to get away from dualism where there is either the gold standard or the very bad and celebrate the whole broad spectrum of choices in all aspects of life including relationships. We need an egalitarian approach rather than a ranking system. We don't need to be the best, biggest or most impressive we need to just be ourselves. She asked the audience to ponder the question: "If you were totally free what kind of life would you have?" In questions following her talk, Dossie (who throws amazing pajama parties) for tips on throwing a great pajama party. She said very thin pajamas with night gowns preferred; a fold out futon or sofa bed in the area; blankets, pillows and effortless munchies handy. Most importantly one had to be willing to be foolish or appear foolish and try something new or different. She said that this philosophy had really gotten her far in life. Dossie is a very delightful speaker.
Following this session was a wonderful evening with Ben Silver opening for the Bone Poets Orchestra. Ben has a lovely voice and sings folk, R&B, funk, and jazz with lyrics that address freedom, the environment, LBGT issues, parently and poly love. Very funny at times and always toe tapping. BPO (formerly Gaia Consort) plays psychedelic steampunk. Also very funny and shake your booty tunes.
Tomorrow's sessions should be good.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Metamours?
Meta- (from Greek: μετά = "after", "beyond", "with", "adjacent", "self"), is a prefix used in English (and other Greek-owing languages) to indicate a concept which is an abstraction from another concept, used to complete or add to the latter.
Amour is the French word for love, an intense feeling of affection. It may also refer to: Amour (musical), a stage musical written by Michel Legrand ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amour
So...."metamour" is "after the musical"? oh....like applause? woohoo!!! I"m the applause??? oh yeah bbbbaby (chuckle)
Well....maybe but no... a metamour is
In a polyamorous relationship, where your lover has more than one lover, a metamour is the name given to your partner's other lover(s).
www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?...metamour
Interesting discussion at the Victoria Poly 201 group meeting last night. This is a smaller group than the Victoria Poly 101 and more devoted to the fine tuning of practical poly than basic information and concepts.
Discussion revolved around the necessity of some relationship between ourselves and the other partners in our lovers' lives. The relationship between same sex persons in any poly configuration being a key factor in the success of said configuration according to Deborah Anapole in her various books on the subject. Key factors in the development of relationships between members of the poly family around you were identified as:
1. Time to develop any kind of a relationship
2. Accessibility of the metamours to each other (less likely in a long distance scenario etc)
2. Inclination or compatibility considerations of the individuals and their relationship styles.
3. Responsibility of the linch pin (the lover who is shared) to introduce, facilitate and perhaps referree the relationship developing
4. Investment required of the metamours - (ie if the girl friend is going to be a long term hanging around the house situation then the live in partner would have greater investment in developing a friendship with her and vice versa)
5. The impact of the level of honesty in the lovers' other relationships on you as metamour and the comfort level of being everything from possibly intrusive, kind of involved to completely detached from the particulars of other relationships. (ie knowing that your partner's partner doesn't know about your relationship with her) ( ie poking at him to call her etc and vicariously participating in the courtship)
6. The poly configuration involved. A big poly inter-loving household requires much more relationship development than a network of lovers who might not ever come into social contact with each other.
7. Whether you are a primary partner or trying to relate to the primary partner or another non-living in the house partner.
Very interesting discussion.
Amour is the French word for love, an intense feeling of affection. It may also refer to: Amour (musical), a stage musical written by Michel Legrand ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amour
So...."metamour" is "after the musical"? oh....like applause? woohoo!!! I"m the applause??? oh yeah bbbbaby (chuckle)
Well....maybe but no... a metamour is
In a polyamorous relationship, where your lover has more than one lover, a metamour is the name given to your partner's other lover(s).
www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?...metamour
Interesting discussion at the Victoria Poly 201 group meeting last night. This is a smaller group than the Victoria Poly 101 and more devoted to the fine tuning of practical poly than basic information and concepts.
Discussion revolved around the necessity of some relationship between ourselves and the other partners in our lovers' lives. The relationship between same sex persons in any poly configuration being a key factor in the success of said configuration according to Deborah Anapole in her various books on the subject. Key factors in the development of relationships between members of the poly family around you were identified as:
1. Time to develop any kind of a relationship
2. Accessibility of the metamours to each other (less likely in a long distance scenario etc)
2. Inclination or compatibility considerations of the individuals and their relationship styles.
3. Responsibility of the linch pin (the lover who is shared) to introduce, facilitate and perhaps referree the relationship developing
4. Investment required of the metamours - (ie if the girl friend is going to be a long term hanging around the house situation then the live in partner would have greater investment in developing a friendship with her and vice versa)
5. The impact of the level of honesty in the lovers' other relationships on you as metamour and the comfort level of being everything from possibly intrusive, kind of involved to completely detached from the particulars of other relationships. (ie knowing that your partner's partner doesn't know about your relationship with her) ( ie poking at him to call her etc and vicariously participating in the courtship)
6. The poly configuration involved. A big poly inter-loving household requires much more relationship development than a network of lovers who might not ever come into social contact with each other.
7. Whether you are a primary partner or trying to relate to the primary partner or another non-living in the house partner.
Very interesting discussion.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
What about Jealousy?
Q: Don't you get jealous? If you really loved your partner, you wouldn't want them being with someone else?
A: Of course polyamourous people get jealous. The notion that they don't really does a lot of damage, I think. They will feel as if they aren't "poly enough" if they say anything or even acknowledge those feelings to themselves. Very unhealthy. Some people say that they are just not "wired" for jealousy. That may well be true but most likely they've just learned how to identify it and resolve it.
Jealousy comes from one of two things: a sense of being left out or insecurity. The first is easily dealt with by having something addressing your needs happening when your partner is with someone else. Go out yourself, spend time with a family member or hole up with a good book or movie. We are our own primary partner first and foremost. Have a "me" date. The issue of insecurity is more complex to resolve. If you are insecure in the relationship you will worry that the new love is better for your partner in some way and that you could be replaced. Polyamory will shine a big bright light on the cracks in the foundation of a primary relationship. Jealousy is a cue that there are issues the primary couple needs to face and resolve before any further intimacy is pursued with other people. Do not drag innocent people into your nightmare. It is your relationship and ignoring these cues will hurt a whole bunch of people. Take responsibility and deal with your own issues.
Frequently the issue is insecurity in one of the individuals involved and not always the person expressing jealousy. We have to look in the mirror , clearly see what are our own issues and be willing to work on resolving them.
Responses to jealousy can be anything from messy upsets to consent but not really approval to the wonderful state of compersion. Messy upsets generally happen when someone doesn't own up to their feelings and gives lip service to acceptance or change when in fact they are not being respectful of the others or themselves. Consent but not approval is fairly common. We think that if we say we're poly we have to agree or jeopardize the primary relationship. I read a quote in Brian Johnson's Philosopher's Notes newsletter recently that describes this mind set well for me. "There’s a HUGE difference between playing a game trying not to lose and playing the game to WIN." Telling your partner to do what they want but don't tell me about it and I don't want to know the other woman/man - giving consent but not approval - is playing not to lose. That's a very negative approach and sets you up to withdraw, be overtly jealous, and/or cause continuing damage to the trust level in your primary relationship. The best response to jealousy is to identify what the trigger is, address it and be the dear friend that your partner can gush to as he/she experiences New Relationship Energy (NRE). NRE is the result of positive feedback that your partner gets from the other love as he/she falls into a new relationship. You know that he/she is wonderful and sexy and so on - what a high to find out that someone else agrees with your excellent taste!! Compersion is when you can enjoy your partner's growth and happiness in another relationship. When you can be truly pleased that someone else has the good sense to love someone that you love.
No matter how long you've been in a particular relationship, you are vulnerable to random moments of jealousy. I recall one such moment when my primary partner was dating a mutual friend of ours. She was telling me about them walking around downtown holding hands. I was immediately really pissed which is very silly because they'd been sexually intimate and THAT didn't bother me. I realized that holding hands was something that he and I did which communicated to me that I was special and loved. I talked to him about how I felt knowing that he had done that with someone else. He said that he held hands with women in his company so that he knew where they were in a crowd and so that they didn't dawdle. Oh. We laughed and that was resolved. I recall feeling jealous and confused because the mixed messages coming from another partner and his wife were making me feel superfluous. Consent without approval was at play and that has happened to me twice. The first time ended very nastily with hurtful words and broken hearts. The second time I was able to develop a friendship with my metamour (his wife) and gain the approval as well as a great new friend. Communication was more open in the second example.
I also experience jealousy as a long distance partner when my love has local loves and they seem to get all the good stuff. I find being left out of the information loop feeds my jealousy and I'm much more content if I know what's going on with the other women in his life. Long distance relationships are really susceptible to jealousy and require much more work to maintain open communication levels. That partner struggles with feeling left out of my life as well.
For all of that, I find that the men in my life are very fond of each other and experience compersion as I interact with the others. I have found in my primary relationship many instances of compersion and more so as I grew secure in that relationship. I find the moments of jealousy that arise in my other local relationship have been around defining who we are to each other in the hierarchy of our family and have dispelled as we have grown secure in our love for each other and learned to live together with my primary partner as a triad.
A: Of course polyamourous people get jealous. The notion that they don't really does a lot of damage, I think. They will feel as if they aren't "poly enough" if they say anything or even acknowledge those feelings to themselves. Very unhealthy. Some people say that they are just not "wired" for jealousy. That may well be true but most likely they've just learned how to identify it and resolve it.
Jealousy comes from one of two things: a sense of being left out or insecurity. The first is easily dealt with by having something addressing your needs happening when your partner is with someone else. Go out yourself, spend time with a family member or hole up with a good book or movie. We are our own primary partner first and foremost. Have a "me" date. The issue of insecurity is more complex to resolve. If you are insecure in the relationship you will worry that the new love is better for your partner in some way and that you could be replaced. Polyamory will shine a big bright light on the cracks in the foundation of a primary relationship. Jealousy is a cue that there are issues the primary couple needs to face and resolve before any further intimacy is pursued with other people. Do not drag innocent people into your nightmare. It is your relationship and ignoring these cues will hurt a whole bunch of people. Take responsibility and deal with your own issues.
Frequently the issue is insecurity in one of the individuals involved and not always the person expressing jealousy. We have to look in the mirror , clearly see what are our own issues and be willing to work on resolving them.
Responses to jealousy can be anything from messy upsets to consent but not really approval to the wonderful state of compersion. Messy upsets generally happen when someone doesn't own up to their feelings and gives lip service to acceptance or change when in fact they are not being respectful of the others or themselves. Consent but not approval is fairly common. We think that if we say we're poly we have to agree or jeopardize the primary relationship. I read a quote in Brian Johnson's Philosopher's Notes newsletter recently that describes this mind set well for me. "There’s a HUGE difference between playing a game trying not to lose and playing the game to WIN." Telling your partner to do what they want but don't tell me about it and I don't want to know the other woman/man - giving consent but not approval - is playing not to lose. That's a very negative approach and sets you up to withdraw, be overtly jealous, and/or cause continuing damage to the trust level in your primary relationship. The best response to jealousy is to identify what the trigger is, address it and be the dear friend that your partner can gush to as he/she experiences New Relationship Energy (NRE). NRE is the result of positive feedback that your partner gets from the other love as he/she falls into a new relationship. You know that he/she is wonderful and sexy and so on - what a high to find out that someone else agrees with your excellent taste!! Compersion is when you can enjoy your partner's growth and happiness in another relationship. When you can be truly pleased that someone else has the good sense to love someone that you love.
No matter how long you've been in a particular relationship, you are vulnerable to random moments of jealousy. I recall one such moment when my primary partner was dating a mutual friend of ours. She was telling me about them walking around downtown holding hands. I was immediately really pissed which is very silly because they'd been sexually intimate and THAT didn't bother me. I realized that holding hands was something that he and I did which communicated to me that I was special and loved. I talked to him about how I felt knowing that he had done that with someone else. He said that he held hands with women in his company so that he knew where they were in a crowd and so that they didn't dawdle. Oh. We laughed and that was resolved. I recall feeling jealous and confused because the mixed messages coming from another partner and his wife were making me feel superfluous. Consent without approval was at play and that has happened to me twice. The first time ended very nastily with hurtful words and broken hearts. The second time I was able to develop a friendship with my metamour (his wife) and gain the approval as well as a great new friend. Communication was more open in the second example.
I also experience jealousy as a long distance partner when my love has local loves and they seem to get all the good stuff. I find being left out of the information loop feeds my jealousy and I'm much more content if I know what's going on with the other women in his life. Long distance relationships are really susceptible to jealousy and require much more work to maintain open communication levels. That partner struggles with feeling left out of my life as well.
For all of that, I find that the men in my life are very fond of each other and experience compersion as I interact with the others. I have found in my primary relationship many instances of compersion and more so as I grew secure in that relationship. I find the moments of jealousy that arise in my other local relationship have been around defining who we are to each other in the hierarchy of our family and have dispelled as we have grown secure in our love for each other and learned to live together with my primary partner as a triad.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Juggling Growth
Q: How do you manage having two (or more) men in your life? I can't handle the one I've got!
A: Developing one relationship can definitely be more than enough work for two people especially as is often the case only one of the people is actively "working on their stuff". If you practice polyamory as several separate relationships and withold information by choice or at someone's request you will find it complex and often confusing. However, I find that viewing each relationship as a special and unique part of a larger relationship is very helpful. I am able to have the pet names and special memory moments with each of my guys but I can share and seek advise from them in general about the other partners. They in turn can compare notes about what might be triggers for me or if I seem to be feeling overloaded and needing to talk as well as what my preferences are for lovely surprises. I am able to talk with other women in their lives and get feedback that takes some of the strain of needing to "manage" my men and pry information or worse "feelings" out of them. I find that if you don't individually work on your issues and evolve, it will be really apparent to the others that something is needing to be addressed. When you hear the same message from several people you really hear it and you have to process the information (positive or negative). This is true of an issue coming up with one of my guys too. Either the feedback from the other guy is supportive of my observations and hearing it from both of us spurs change or the feedback is such that I alter my response to the issue. In either case, change and growth are encouraged, supported and celebrated much more frequently than I found in monogamy. The relationship structure is formative but also men & women drawn to this relationships style seem to be if not more comfortable with discussing issues and feelings at least more cognisant of the fact that they aren't going to be able to avoid it and in the end this very open communication style is highly effective in maintaining loving relationships for the long term.
A: Developing one relationship can definitely be more than enough work for two people especially as is often the case only one of the people is actively "working on their stuff". If you practice polyamory as several separate relationships and withold information by choice or at someone's request you will find it complex and often confusing. However, I find that viewing each relationship as a special and unique part of a larger relationship is very helpful. I am able to have the pet names and special memory moments with each of my guys but I can share and seek advise from them in general about the other partners. They in turn can compare notes about what might be triggers for me or if I seem to be feeling overloaded and needing to talk as well as what my preferences are for lovely surprises. I am able to talk with other women in their lives and get feedback that takes some of the strain of needing to "manage" my men and pry information or worse "feelings" out of them. I find that if you don't individually work on your issues and evolve, it will be really apparent to the others that something is needing to be addressed. When you hear the same message from several people you really hear it and you have to process the information (positive or negative). This is true of an issue coming up with one of my guys too. Either the feedback from the other guy is supportive of my observations and hearing it from both of us spurs change or the feedback is such that I alter my response to the issue. In either case, change and growth are encouraged, supported and celebrated much more frequently than I found in monogamy. The relationship structure is formative but also men & women drawn to this relationships style seem to be if not more comfortable with discussing issues and feelings at least more cognisant of the fact that they aren't going to be able to avoid it and in the end this very open communication style is highly effective in maintaining loving relationships for the long term.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Flower Power? Like groovy, man.
Q: All that sharing love hippie stuff sounds like you belong in a commune smoking weed and naked with flowers in your hair.
A: Well, I like the naked and flowers in my hair part. There are many polyamorous "Intentional Communities" these days but that's only one configuration under the polyamory umbrella. The most common form of polyamory is a couple usually legally married who take a third person into their relationship and sometimes home as well. The next most common is for a couple to date another couple and either share a home or live fairly close to each other with regular activities both of a dating & sexual nature and as one big family unit with their children. There are also networks of friends where people date several people within a group of friends and couples who each date separately. The lovers may or may not know each other. Most often at least some of the lovers do not live together and quite frequently some of the lovers are long distance - living not only in another country but on another contient. The variations also depend on whether the parties identify as heterosexual, bi-sexual, gay, or lesbian. Poly households are found in rural settings, urban settings and in every form of housing imaginable. We are from every level of society, education background and employment scenario imaginable. We are free thinkers and rebellious enough to dare to be happy.
A: Well, I like the naked and flowers in my hair part. There are many polyamorous "Intentional Communities" these days but that's only one configuration under the polyamory umbrella. The most common form of polyamory is a couple usually legally married who take a third person into their relationship and sometimes home as well. The next most common is for a couple to date another couple and either share a home or live fairly close to each other with regular activities both of a dating & sexual nature and as one big family unit with their children. There are also networks of friends where people date several people within a group of friends and couples who each date separately. The lovers may or may not know each other. Most often at least some of the lovers do not live together and quite frequently some of the lovers are long distance - living not only in another country but on another contient. The variations also depend on whether the parties identify as heterosexual, bi-sexual, gay, or lesbian. Poly households are found in rural settings, urban settings and in every form of housing imaginable. We are from every level of society, education background and employment scenario imaginable. We are free thinkers and rebellious enough to dare to be happy.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
It isn't all about the sex - it's all about the ethics.
Q: Is that also called "swinging"?
A: Most people would say no, it isn't swinging. I, personally, think of polyamory as an umbrella philosophy of sharing and relationship configuration freedom that covers everything from casual swinging to poly-fidelity or group marriage where all parties are exclusive to that relationship. The defining factor for me is that it is done with the knowledge and consent of all parties. Ethical adult relationships with mulitple partners whether the shared activities are of a sexual nature, a romantic nature, platonic or on a spiritual level is a variaton on the theme. Most people who would refer to themselves as a swinger are drawn to the excitement of sex play and while they may well have consistent play partners or develop solid friendships would not be looking for romance. I've noticed that romance with sex partners is rather intimidating a concept amongst couples who are swingers. On the other hand, most people who would refer to themselves as "poly" are looking for deep friendships and romance. That's not to say that romance isn't intimidating and scary stuff for poly couples who are dating other partners but sexual activity is definitely secondary to building a long term loving relationship.
I'm less likely to draw a line in the sand and say oh these are swingers and these are polyamorous people because I've experienced both communities and have seen that there is a blended area in the middle where people are looking for both or looking for just some common ground to build on for starters. Again, as long as the people involved are honest and open with the loves in their lives and themselves - a rose is a rose and it all smells sweet to me.
A: Most people would say no, it isn't swinging. I, personally, think of polyamory as an umbrella philosophy of sharing and relationship configuration freedom that covers everything from casual swinging to poly-fidelity or group marriage where all parties are exclusive to that relationship. The defining factor for me is that it is done with the knowledge and consent of all parties. Ethical adult relationships with mulitple partners whether the shared activities are of a sexual nature, a romantic nature, platonic or on a spiritual level is a variaton on the theme. Most people who would refer to themselves as a swinger are drawn to the excitement of sex play and while they may well have consistent play partners or develop solid friendships would not be looking for romance. I've noticed that romance with sex partners is rather intimidating a concept amongst couples who are swingers. On the other hand, most people who would refer to themselves as "poly" are looking for deep friendships and romance. That's not to say that romance isn't intimidating and scary stuff for poly couples who are dating other partners but sexual activity is definitely secondary to building a long term loving relationship.
I'm less likely to draw a line in the sand and say oh these are swingers and these are polyamorous people because I've experienced both communities and have seen that there is a blended area in the middle where people are looking for both or looking for just some common ground to build on for starters. Again, as long as the people involved are honest and open with the loves in their lives and themselves - a rose is a rose and it all smells sweet to me.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Polyamory - to love abundantly
Q: Polyamory? Isn't that just cheating? Sleeping with whatever guy comes along? What does your hubby say?
A: Might as well cut to the chase from the get go. Polyamory means "many loves". It is when you have two or more loving and likely sexual relationships going at the same time with the knowledge and consent of all of the people involved. That means that the guys know about each other and if they have wives, girlfriends, lovers etc that those people know about you and everyone is okay with all this going on. I say "okay with" as people may consent first and approve later as they get to know the other lovers. It isn't cheating because you have discussed it with your partners and any intimacy restrictions (ie - kissing only no intercourse just yet) as well as safe sex agreements (condoms, full barrier, no sex at all) are in place. It also isn't sleeping with whatever guy comes along or girl for that matter. It simply means that if you meet someone that interests you there are options to find out how interesting they really are without violating trust or marriage vows. It means that the natural inclination of some humans to explore relationship building is not limited to one at a time. Love is a wonderful thing when unfettered and able to empower, enlighten and inspire.
A: Might as well cut to the chase from the get go. Polyamory means "many loves". It is when you have two or more loving and likely sexual relationships going at the same time with the knowledge and consent of all of the people involved. That means that the guys know about each other and if they have wives, girlfriends, lovers etc that those people know about you and everyone is okay with all this going on. I say "okay with" as people may consent first and approve later as they get to know the other lovers. It isn't cheating because you have discussed it with your partners and any intimacy restrictions (ie - kissing only no intercourse just yet) as well as safe sex agreements (condoms, full barrier, no sex at all) are in place. It also isn't sleeping with whatever guy comes along or girl for that matter. It simply means that if you meet someone that interests you there are options to find out how interesting they really are without violating trust or marriage vows. It means that the natural inclination of some humans to explore relationship building is not limited to one at a time. Love is a wonderful thing when unfettered and able to empower, enlighten and inspire.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
