Blogging Revisited and Poly Barometer Update

 Well, hello there.   It has been seven years since I posted to this blog.  My book, Love Alternatively Expressed - the scoop on practicing polyamory in Canada was published and has been successfully sold worldwide.  I'm pondering writing a sequel or at least updating the book as so much has happened in these past few years and still so little has changed for polyamorists.  

Changes for the better are in the area of general population understanding and acceptance of the concept of ethical and consensual non-monogamy.  Polyamorous characters in movies, television and literature are a signal that things are looking up.   However, people are still being discriminated against for living and loving outside of the dyadic monogamous box when seeking healthcare, financial options and justice.

A recent episode of the television show New Amsterdam hit on both points quite nicely. It is set in a hospital in New York and the storyline revolves mostly around admissions to their very busy Emergency Department.  Episode 10 from Season 3 has a man that is suffering strange symptoms and the staff chat with him and his support visitors to determine a diagnosis and thus treatment.  Usually, they attempt treatment based on the obvious symptoms and later discover a latent issue.   In this case, the man had a girlfriend with him on arrival but two other lovers arrived shortly to cuddle and provide support.  The staff note this and comment.   Polyamory is discussed.  The visitors are allowed to be with him altogether as he's in a room not one of the emergency bays.  The discussion reveals a possible poisoning from mushroom hunting but treatment is unsuccessful and he suddenly needs a procedure that a next of kin must approve.  The lovers contact his wife and she comes to the hospital.  The procedure helps with his recent crisis but the main ailment is still a mystery.  The staff have noted scratches on the man's hand and now see that the wife has them too.  She owns parrots and they figure out that it is an infection related to the parrots.    The three lovers are a cute and cuddly puppy pile of love and all of them don't like the wife because she doesn't like the polyamory.  Hmmm.   The need for the wife's approval hits on the issue quite nicely.  What if the wife was not cooperative - refused the procedure  - refused to allow them to be at his side?  This did not happen and they bonded over wanting him to recover.  The man wakes and comments to the doctor that he loves his wife too and wants all four of them in his life.   Mono/poly addressed here too.   Very well presented, I thought.  

There was an episode of SWAT that had a female officer involved with a couple.  She was dating both of the people in the couple and moved in with them.   Apparently, the show's fans didn't like it and the storyline didn't last more than a few episodes.  The actress is polyamorous in her personal life and the situation was presented as loving as opposed to a hot bi babe thing.  I suspect that had it been a more sexual reflection there would have been stronger support from the fan base- kinky stuff gets the rating.  However, I thought the writing was good and when she came out to her coworkers it was a non-issue as it should be.   I think the non-issue of it might also be why the fan base didn't like it.   It was an issue for them.  Did present the idea that how we love is often an issue with employers, friends and family.

I've been polyamorous and completely out for so long that I am surprised when I am confronted with discrimination in my personal life.   It is like finding out that they still use dial-up to connect to the internet.   Seriously?   You don't invite us to your home because we are poly?   We live in a world where one hesitates to visit anyone in their home or have folks to ours.   Poly isn't contagious.  

However, it does come up and to each their own opinion.   I am over 60 years old now and I really don't give a flying rat's butt whether you invite me somewhere or not.   I do care whether I can sit at my lovers' bedside in the hospital, or add him to my family benefits insurance package.   I do care if the bylaws of my city do not allow my polycule to live together.    I do care if my love can't immigrate or cross borders because polyamory isn't 'exclusive' enough.   Opinion is one thing.  Discrimination based on sexual preference is another thing entirely.

We still have such a long way to go.  May 11, 2021 was Census Day in Canada and the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Society encouraged us to select 'other relationship' and identify our household as polyamorous.  It's a scary step for some.  Privacy is ensured, but still...scary to put those words on a government document.  Even for me, I'll confess.   I did though.  Stats Canada needs to see us and know that we are legion.   We need to count and be present in the planning for housing, education and growth of this country.  We are here.  We are polyamorous and we are proud.

Baby steps on a long journey.  Important steps.   Write to SWAT,  New Amsterdam and other places that you see polyamorous characters to support and complain as needed.  One small step.   Write to your MP or MLA or city council, when you see discrimination.  Write letters to the editor.  Comment online.  One small step.

I haven't written HERE in seven years, but I have been working at advocacy.  So have you.  Every day that you dare to love and be loved unconventionally.  We got this.  

Polly on Tour - Columbus, Ohio - Conference spoiler

I'm in Columbus, Ohio for Beyond The Love conference and Poly Summit. 
I'm going to post here - if I can make technology work for me - the handouts for the sessions that I am presenting.  I'm up against some hot topics so if you can't make my session or can't make the conference at all, this will give you an idea of what we intended to cover.  The first two are based on chapters from my new book: Love Alternatively Expressed available shortly.  The third one is based on sessions of the Eclectic Writers' Boot Camp which is a Facebook and real life group of writers sponsored by Filidh Publishing, Victoria, BC.  Filidh is looking for poly voices in literature and it is also my business.   Watch filidhbooks.com for details on my new book's release and purchase options.

Practical Poly - Room A 10:30 -11:45am Saturday

http://zoeduff154.bravesites.com/workshop-materials-poly

 

Joy of Poly - Room C 1:00 - 2:15 pm  Saturday

http://zoeduff154.bravesites.com/workshop-materials-poly   (scroll down)

 

Writers' Boot Camp - Room B  9:00 - 10:15 am  Sunday

http://zoeduff154.bravesites.com/workshop-materials  (scroll down)

 

More details on the conference as it progresses.

Polly on Tour - Toronto leg

What an amazing week!!  I arrived in Toronto from Victoria on November 7th.  I had a lovely uneventful flight.  My brother picked me up from the airport and I stayed at his family home for several nights before and after the Playground 2013 conference.  I also stayed a couple of nights with friends in Brampton. 
I had several agendas going with this trip - ever the multi-tasking queen - gee I must be poly.

1. The conference:  I had agreed to be a panel member for one session on the Sunday and do a volunteer shift at the registration desk on the Saturday.  Playground is a sex positive community event which is inclusive of all forms of non-monogamy.  My purpose was to represent the poly community and network.  The registration desk was a perfect spot to greet attendees, sponsors, vendors and speakers as they arrived and get a face to a name to approach later with business card.  The panel I participated in was concerning Non-Monogamy in Canada and community building in particular.  That gave me opportunity to work with Anlina Sheng and Samantha Fraser who are two very effective community building bunnies and much fun to work with.  Discussion guide is uploaded here  http://zoeduff154.bravesites.com/workshop-materials if you are wondering what that session was about.  The answers aren't though so you missed out but I've put it in my new book coming out next month:  Love Alternatively Expressed

2. Family and friends:  connecting and renewing friendships and family relationships was why I agreed to come to Toronto in the first place.  That was wonderful and its peculiar how we all went our separate ways and found ourselves all into similar healing solutions etc.

3.  Business:  Networking and finding stores to stock my book and one of my clients' books.  I found three books stores where one is interested in his book and two very interested in mine.  Possibilities of author read/sign and workshops to be presented.  Very successful networking.

4.  Community:  To find out where the Toronto poly community was meeting and join them if possible.  I missed the one group's meeting as it was the previous Monday but I did catch another meet and then one was arranged for me specifically to discuss the possibility of a PolyCon in the Toronto area.  There is much enthusiasm and watch this blog for details as they unfold!!!

So on all points this was a successful trip and I left Toronto last night tired but uplifted.  I also had some thinking to do over comments made during the conference about inclusion and inadvertent exclusion in our community events.  Anytime a particular group is exposed to an ism - racism, sexism and so on - there will be phrasing, attitudes, mannerisms, types of activities and so on that are triggers associated with that negative - ism experience.  If you aren't part of the group that has experienced that you might not be aware of it and the word in your event notices, the location, the type of event etc will speak to them as excluding them.  Hopefully that wasn't your intent but it will impact attendance at your events.  Look around at the next one.  How many people attending regularly are NOT in a heterosexual couple or possibly bi-sexual configuration?  How many are LGBT?  Our Victoria groups are most certainly open to attendance by anyone who doesn't flame the concept.  What is it that stays that we exclude people who are not couples seeking a third or other couples?  We have the occasional new poly person come out who identifies as Gay, Lesbian or Trans but they don't come back because they are the only one.  To be sex positive is to include every form of adult sexuality is it not?  In theory, we do but not so much in practice.  JD Hobbs made a very good comment to my earlier posting on Finding Community that might have hit the nail on the head.  The comment indicated that some of that person's hesitancy to join the communities available was the incestuous nature of small communities.  I got all twitchy at the word incestuous but the commenter has a point in the likely intended thought that everyone knows everyone in a small town and discretion would go out the window.  However, there is also a lot of dating within poly groups and many times the only folks regularly attending are of the same tribe and if not lovers - some form of extended family.  That might be the unintended exclusion messages that people not sleeping with you and not really interested in you/your gender/your version of poly would see as a pretty good reason to attend something else.  Having no one of potential date material definitely turns some people away.   Also have huge drama in the middle of a poly meet because the intimacy of a tribe might tolerate it but it will drive newbies away.  I still remember attending a poly meet in nearby community and having two of the organizing tribe scream derogatory comments at each other from opposite ends of a huge table in a restaurant with some 30 attendees of the meet talking quietly among themselves and not even acknowledging the argument.

Dr. Ruth Neustifter is an amazing speaker who participated in several sessions on in particular was with regards to this sex-positive stuff and being inclusive.  She encouraged us to develop a definition of 'sex-positive' for ourselves that is clear so that as we wander in the world and encounter those who claim to be so can be assessed against it.  Exclusivity being somewhat insidious and sliding right past us otherwise.  Good idea.  When I attended this and another conference a few years back called Sex 2.0, I found that the attendees were from the sex trade workers community, or more militant LGBT group members and the undertone of rage and so much left to fight was a bit disturbing.  Very different atmosphere from poly conferences.  It occurred to me that we poly peeps need to get some of that rage on and make some noise.  We need to fight some battles.

Dr. Ruth also talked about a denial of self-care that is rampant.  We shame ourselves into believing that other people suffer more and no one else will do it.  We participate in a cult of exhaustion and must make ourselves understand that will be more useful rested.  We must honour the path others have forged and take care of ourselves.  Tired people are complacent and we need to grab onto that rage and fight the battles for our rights.  We also have a lack of practice.  We have no idea how to relax and the suggestion of using technology to set alarms to remind ourselves to drink water, eat, walk away from the computer etc.  was suggested.  (futureme.org - set reminders in advance)
Read more from Dr. Ruth at uoguelph.academia.edu/RuthNeustifter

Today I arrived in Columbus, Ohio and am going to attend the Beyond The Love conference and Poly Summit this weekend before returning home to Victoria, BC on Monday. 

Details of that conference soon.

Finding other people with whom to be poly

I had someone recently contact me on OKCupid to ask how to be poly without going the monogamous couple who eventually maybe might kinda sorta try poly after 10 years angle.  I told him to go where poly people go and add himself to a poly relationship configuration or build his own.  My own relationship configuration began with two of us forming an open relationship from the get go.  We found the idea of poly first, then each other and finally added people to our Circle of Love.  Well not so much a circle as a wacky chemistry diagram, but whatever works.

Local poly group events are a start.
Conventions, conferences, workshop weekends and any other twist of the concept of learning, sharing and finding community are excellent opportunities to network and just plain meet people.  Seeking out these opportunities is a good way to expand your Circle of Love exponentially.  Or add yourself to one.

 How is this different from hitting the bar with the local poly group?  Meeting NEW people for one but frequently, with the wide connections that the internet provides, amongst the new people will be someone you talked to in a forum or their partner.  Being away from the usual scenarios provides a bit of adventure and playfulness to things when the business of the day is done.  You might connect and remain long term friends or lovers for years hence or you might just be ships that pass in the night.  You might meet someone who eventually falls in love with your partner's other partner.  Poly is cool like that.

It is an opportunity to observe and possibly meet/have conversation with the leaders in a particular community and get all nervous fan silly.  This past weekend I attended a convention for Sci Fi and Fantasy fans in Vancouver called VCon.  It was their 38th year and while they have the planning down to a science - science is not perfect and one can't anticipate everything.

 Unless they built a time machine and went forward a year noted the problems and returned to prevent them!!!! 

ah hem....anyway.  Having survived riding herd on the planning of PolyCon last May in Vancouver, I paid a bit more attention to how this convention was organized and what happened when issues arose.  It was very interesting and made me feel that we did pretty well for a first time convention.  Mostly good luck rather than wisdom on our part.  PolyCon was attended by just under 100 people and had several streams of workshops delving into the practical, political and possible of polyamory.  We had some community superstars present and a bit of a fan base building for them with great media attention.  I didn't get to schmooze as much as I'd have liked to as I needed to keep on those issues that arise, but I did make some connections and foster some friendships.

I look forward to attending Playground Conference 2013 in Toronto from November 8 to 10 where I will represent the West Coast poly community on a panel. This is a sex positive community conference and a great place to facilitate awareness of the philosophy and practice of polyamory.  I hope to connect with the Toronto poly community and do a book reading/signing of my new book "Love Alternatively Expressed".   Details on that conference at   http://playgroundconf.com/schedule2013/

A week later (November 15 to 17) I will be presenting workshops and hanging out at Beyond The Love 2013 which is a first time conference for the poly community of Columbus, Ohio.  I'm a bit nervous of this event because I've only been through Ohio on the way to Florida when dinosaurs walked and I was a teenager.  I find the folks organizing the event to be very warm and suspect this will be much like going to visit relatives I haven't seen in years.  I look forward to sharing with them in the sessions and social side of the conference.  Details about that conference at www.beyondthelove.org

Locate community even within a bigger event.  There is often a poly contingent at conventions that concern themselves with Sci Fi, Fantasy, Cosplay, Steampunk and so on.  There are poly folks at BDSM conventions.  We are every where.   Find the poly conferences, retreat weekends, and conferences. Many of them are listed on Facebook somewhere - just search "poly".

The Polyamory in the News blog or http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.ca/ written by my amazing friend, Alan, is great for poly news and information but he also keeps a list of events to attend. http://polyevents.blogspot.ca/
 Another great source for events around the world is this calendar http://polyamoryevents.com/

An excellent idea for networking in preparation for a move to a new city is to check out the local poly group online or attend a camp, conference, retreat or convention in that area ahead of the move or shortly thereafter.

Step outside yourself and risk getting to know someone new.  In that encounter you will learn something about yourself and open the door to the most amazing experiences.

Riding the Waves

How do surfers ride those amazing waves?  The long answer involves discussions of technique and physical strength and of course balance.  The short answer is ...they stay on the surf board.

Sometimes practicing poly involves staying on the surf board despite all kinds of reasons not to.  Riding the wave of this emotional crisis and learning to compromise or stand up for yourself or whatever it takes to have the love survive.  Sometimes being sure that its over and coming to an acceptance of that is easier than having it all fall back into place and move on trying not to look for the other shoe to fall or the crisis to revive.
Sometimes it takes sleepless nights filled with quiet tears.  Sometimes its sitting in your boss' office with your supervisor passing you tissues while you sob like a baby because your bi-weekly clinical supervision session began with her asking  "So everything okay at home?"  Regardless of how many lovers adorn your life, when one of them falls apart the pain is a universally understood thing.  That much we share as humans regardless of our relationship philosophy.

This has been a wild year.  The Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association hosted PolyCon in May.  It was a terrific success with very supportive media reports and a goodly number in attendance for a first time event.  There were excellent workshops, a diversity of perspectives and much successful networking of poly community members from across Canada and the western US.  I've had follow up interviews regarding it and the CPAA's next focus with radio and print  media ever since.  The feel of the media is more supportive and more informed than the media contacts during the court case and within a month of  the decision announcement there wasn't much media interest.  This time keeping poly in the public's attention hasn't been an issue.  Awareness is happening!!!!

We had an expected amount of trauma pulling it off both financially and logistically but pull it off we did.  I think it took me a month to recover from the stress and sheer exhaustion of organizing it.  I would have never been able to do it on my own and I'm very grateful for some great helpers. We did end up substantially in the hole on the expenses of it  so please feel free to donate or purchase collectors' swag and carry on the awareness.  http://polyadvocacy.ca/collectibles-from-polycon

 The interesting thing about being a poly organizer bunny is that it puts stress on those around you and pulls you away so you aren't able to participate in normal life as much.  You might not notice that your loves are either supportive and okay with it or drifting off to be appreciated elsewhere.  From my perspective either is  understood and appreciated as a reasonable response.  It is hard to be in love with someone who is very public and very devoted to being in the forefront of a movement for change.  Most often all their time, money and energy is not being spent on you.  We try to keep a balance but there are times when we just can't do that.  If you love us, most likely the fire that burns and drives us to be organizer bunnies is one of the things that attracted you to us in the first place.   I can put that part of me aside for a bit but not for long.  It is who I am.  The drive to change the world or some small part of it is so deep in my psyche that to roll over and go back to sleep while someone else might do it is just not going to sit well with me.

I have preferences.  We all do.  I have things that I just don't ever want to do - like the Capilano Swinging Bridge - and then there are things that I am not particularly comfortable with but could be persuaded.  Moving to Vancouver would be in that category.  I like Victoria.  My family and job are here but given a good reason and some transition time - I might move there.  I don't know the city well and probably gripe about that too much.

In the midst of the PolyCon planning, I discovered that I had not one but three new grandchildren, my youngest child moved out to live with his new family, one of my partners dove head long into NRE with what presented as a Cowgirl and I travelled 14 hours by bus to attend the birth of a grandson and be reconnected with that son's father.   (A cowgirl is a monogamous woman who "ropes" a poly guy from a poly tribe and gets him to be monogamous with her.)  The partner got a job in Vancouver and was all set to move there with Cowgirl.  He discussed it with my other live in partner who was thinking about transferring to a Vancouver office and following.  Nobody discussed this with me.  A least not in a serious way that caught my attention.  Could be that it was mentioned and I had my brain in PolyCon or grandkids or money worries.  Who knows?  I admit to being a bit thick when I'm focused on getting things achieved.

Anyway, it was a done deal when I figured it out.  My partner told me that he knew I didn't like Vancouver so didn't ask me to move with him. I was devastated.  Big shock thinking that my little triad was happy and that they loved being together as much as I did only to find that they were eager to be elsewhere.  For them it was the excitement of moving to Vancouver and being part of sporting organization than that they were leaving ME.  They both figured that we'd be a two city household for a bit and then transition.  I took it very personally mostly because the communication around it sucked like an enormous vacuum cleaner.  I felt that I had been lied to and manipulated at worst and that they had assumed a lot without consultation at best.

Ended up that the job fell through, the Cowgirl got cold feet and the move never happened.  We'd given notice on our apartment and I just couldn't get with the program on finding another place.  I didn't know who the hell I was housing for one thing and even when it was established that the one partner wasn't going to move and that his heart was broken - I had no trust in that not happening again at any given moment.

Trust is what keeps you on that poly surf board.   Mine was pretty wobbley.

We had some discussions as a trio and individually.  Finally we were able to find that solid triad - ness again.
Its a good thing we did because our landlord made life very uncomfortable and the move was a small chunk of hell.  We now are in a smaller place which will help our financial picture improve so that we can transition to a two city household.  Vancouver may be in my retirement plans.  The door is open to what the future provides.

The lessons?  Don't take your relationships for granted.  Constant feedback and touching base on agreements, issues, plans and dreams.  Go forward as a team but be supportive of individual goals and needs that might unbalance things for a bit.

No matter how rough the water.  Hold onto the trust and ensure you are trustworthy - and stay on the poly surf board.  Ride the waves.

Hang Ten, bbbaby.

The Cycle of Life

Often in sharing what polyamory is like I have invoked the analogy of having many children and loving them all the same amount but differently in terms of what works best as one interacts with each child.  Having multiple lovers is very much like that, I would say.  In the perfect scenario, that's the case but not always.  Still it is a reasonable analogy that makes sense to someone new to the concept of polyamory.

In the last year I have begun to welcome grandchildren into my life.  It occurs to me that this life stage is an excellent analogy for compersion. I have two grandchildren who I only became aware of months after their births as their mothers are no longer girlfriends of my 22 year old son. (Yes, one can preach safer sex but that doesn't mean anyone listens.) Both moms and babes live with the mothers' parents and they are the primary grandparents.  I have mediated for our family's involvement and see them occassionally and not nearly enough but schedules are like that and as a poly person I get that and inclusive extended family a bit better than the average bear.  Still being a secondary grandparent in terms of access is a tough one.

Recently, I watched another son and his girl friend work together with maturity beyond their eighteen years to bring a beautiful baby girl into the world.  They were supported by her mother and the midwife for most of it with a doctor and nursing staff addressing the actual delivery.  I was not present for the actual birth but helped spell them off in support of her contractions and I got the first photo of the newborn.  I remember very clearly the birthing of my children and this was a rather surreal third party experience.  I'm so proud of my son and his girl friend who I have long viewed as a daughter.  I'm happy for them and can't wait for my next snuggles.  I'm happy that my son is surrounded by so much love.  I did feel a bit left out.  My baby having a baby and all that but I was most privileged to be involved as was needed.

The analogy to compersion comes from being head over heels in love with these three amazing children and having to stand back as  I'm not the parent and not the primary caregiver. I'm also not the only grand parent nor the one with the most access and availability.  I'm happy that they are loved and well tended.  I love them and can't wait to spend time with them.  Compersion is being happy that your lover is being loved by someone else they love.  It goes beyond sharing to being happy that someone is loved even if it isn't you doing the kissing.   Grandparenthood in a nutshell.  Being so full of love and bursting for that dear little baby that your heart overflows to see the look on their parents' faces at each new wonderment and you cry with joy when you see the other gramma do it.  Compersion.

Just when you think you can't possibly be happier - a cute little face looks up at you and your heart explodes.  Life is very very good.

and more on dating

I did it.  I dusted off my list - sort of.  There's a new app that goes with OKCupid called Crazy Blind Date.  I installed it and said when I would be available in the next week.  I updated my various profiles both in the text part and in the photo part.  And I waited.  Well I perved other people's profiles too but mostly I waited.

Crazy Blind Date found me a date within a day or two for three days hence.  I message the guy and tell him to look for my jacket. They give you a name and a photo that is cut into cubes and mixed around so you can see bits but not the full face.  I decided the wisdom of OKCupid was trustworthy enough and showed up at the location on the appointed date and time.  Early actually.  I bought a cup of tea and sat where I could see both entrances.  It's only Timmy's not some dark bar.  It's 7:00pm not after midnight. I'm in a public place but my partner sits on the other side of the restaurant surfing on the free WiFi.  Just to be sure that I'm safe meeting a stranger.  I'm more worried that I've no clue what to talk about.

I wait. 7:00pm
And wait. 7:30pm
And wait. 7:45 pm

At 10 to 8 I see a little number one go up beside the icon for the Crazy Blind Date app on my phone.  I've a message from the guy.  "Hey I didn't realize this date was a go and just now checked the app.  I can still come but will take me 30 minutes to get to Timmy's."

Hmm.  Not sure if I want to give him points for messaging me at all or bounce him to the curb for being a putz. I won't agree to waiting for him to show as its getting late and I have to consider keeping my partner waiting around on the other side of the restaurant.  He says he's just ended a relationship and just wants some casual friends.  Hmm.  I decide that I'll take the middle ground and swap email addresses and OKCupid profile names for another time.  We do this.  I see that his profile has a photo and very little else and he's new to OKCupid with none of the "questions" answered that the system uses to tell you if you are compatible. Clearly the matchmaking factor was entirely availability.  I leave it to him to contact me as agreed and as I've not heard a word figure he's not into polyamory which is all over my profile.  My daughters' cats can do better matchmaking.

I have had several people contact me on OKCupid recently too.  It seems to get busy as either Spring or Christmas draw near.  Horny and Lonely times?  No idea but it is like clockwork every year. 

Here's a recent conversation:
SOMEDUDE: Hi [My ID but spelled wrong]. I want to be adventrous suddenly. I must admit I do not have any experience. Tell me more please
Bill

SOMEDUDE: Good Morning sweet Lady - can we meet or chat beffore I pull out from here tomorrow.
 Bill

ME: Thanks for your notes. I'm just recovering from a couple of days down with the flu so not up for it.

SOMEDUDE:I want to pull out of the site. I am embarrassed as some ladies have turned me down. When can I know of your decision ? I wish you speedy recovery. Please boil ginger in hot water and add little lemon and honey. Drink it and your flu will disappear sooner

SOMEDUDE: Thank you for the response. Give me good news please 

SOMEDUDE:  I just realized you are in Victoria. Do you want to recommend a lady to me in Vancouver area please

ME: Here's my opinion only: no photo is a no for me. Your message was very friendly and kind hearted. I don't get that from your profile. You may be lonely and depressed but that is not good advertising. Profile should tell me enough to interest me. You want sex and you drink is what I get from yours. So that is you and about 10 other guys on this site everyday for most women. What is there about you that makes you different? Put that in your profile unless it is the size of your penis. Women want to be inspired by your kindness or swept away by your romantic side. Very few want to rescue someone from lack of sex. There are some though so change your profile or carry on as you see fit. For me, there is nothing of interest in what you have written to motivate me to meet you. I wish you good fortune.

SOMEDUDE: Thank you. I get what you say. I think I will give up for the time being. Best of luck ffor you 

So besides the points I noted in my response, you know why this guy is getting no where?  No photo and high pressure.  Desperation is NOT a turn on.

Is any of this different because I'm poly.  Well in the first instance, I much prefer to be upfront about being poly.  I won't be mono ever again.  Not a lifestyle choice but an absolute core part of my personality.  I multi-task and happily share everything.  So yeah not enough criteria in the match making process on that app for me.  Even the better criteria of a custom search on OKCupid itself doesn't help me.  Most of the people who would put polyamory in their profile on OKCupid and are local to me, I already know and have dated or we've mutually crossed each other off the to date list.  I hate long distance relationships.

And really the crux of it is that I have two awesome men in my life full time as well as two and sometimes three kinda cute other men in my life when the schedule goddesses cooperate - I'm just a tad fussy pants about who else to add to all those balls in the air - pardon the pun.

I wouldn't mind to find a girl friend though.  Bi-sexuality being quite common in the poly community, I know I'm not alone in that wish.  In Vancouver they have an active Bi Women's group and from that have come speed dating events and coming up in April -  Aunt Poly's Slow Dating for Women who Date Women (https://auntpoly.eventbrite.ca ) where you fill out a survey and they match you with other women for a 10 minute date at the event.

The problems for me are the interactions of new people with my existing relationships and an extreme ineptness at woman to woman bonding. Also when your schedule is so complicated you are just willing to compromise on fewer things.

Why don't I just be happy with what I've got and give it up?  I do for the most part actually.  I multi-task more that just my love life and my universe is a very busy place.  Too pooped to pop.  Still, there is that part of me that feels the lack of a feminine bond  - a BFF - a playmate.

 Key for poly dating is keeping a balance of time and energy between new partners and existing partners.  That is not always easy to monitor when you are in the depths of new relationship energy but even after that has faded it is really important to touch base frequently to make sure what you perceive is accurate.

Key for any king of dating is keeping the search to the idea that making new friends is the objective and long term love or sexual interactions could be a bonus along the way but is not the goal of dating.  Then relax and have fun.  Interacting with other people should be more like a day at an adventure theme park and less like exploratory surgery.    

Relax.  Take the risk to make a new friend.  Be true to your self  but polite and respectful in your treatment of others. Yeah that means respond to messages with a no thanks and show up if you book a date.  Don't scope them out and leave without saying hi.  We all have feelings and egos.  Do not however be so polite that you make yourself unsafe. 

Good luck in your travels and comment here to tell me how you do.  Now....where was that link to Aunt Poly's event?????

So what of dating...

Heard recently...
...There's this woman at work that flirts with me... 
...That guy I was chatting with wants to do coffee...
...Everyone in my polycule is dating and I suppose I should get dating too...
...It's been a long while since I was out on a date, anyone up for it?

The average single person whether  - monogamous or polyamorous -  goes on dates to develop a relationship that is hopefully long term or maybe just to have some company and/or friendly sex.  Why do people in long term poly relationships date?  We already have long term relationships, company and of course all that sex.  Tons of sex.  It is after all  - all about the sex. 

Could be we want more sex.... *s   i   g   h*

uh oh...where was I?  oh yeah reasons to date.

At least one of your partners is experiencing NRE and you must either go out on a date yourself or slap him/her because he/she is driving you nuts with all the bouncing around like a chihuahua in heat?   Or worse, you simply have to stop worrying about your partners' choices and whether or not this love interest is going to break their heart or treat them lovingly.

That and your other love interests are done tapping their fingers waiting for your schedule to clear and have started asking for ID whenever they do see you online.  There is enough of your luscious self to go around.  Don't be stingy with the boys/girls now.

Life is busy.  The life of a poly person can be beyond busy especially if they involved in poly community organizing.  Time is much like the waves and sand at the beach.  Activities fill the empty time as fast as the sand and water fill your footprints.  You will never find time unless you make time for the things you want to do.  Dating included.

Time is only one factor.  The expense of entertainment, transportation and looking hawt are hard to find in the budget for most of us.  And there are lots of  other reasons to procrastinate on an interest in dating others / new people.  Most of them boil down to just not addressing your own needs too.  When you are in a poly relationship you have more people's feelings to consider but you have to watch that yours don't get pushed aside.


I think dating new people is a lot like job hunting and just about as easy on the ego. The only upside to dating is that you can conquer nervousness by remembering that you are doing the hiring too.  So why put yourself through all that?  Meeting new people and getting to know acquaintances better is always a good thing.  The best long term relationships start with good times and good friends.

In Victoria, British Columbia we have the Victoria Poly Group Dating Group (see Facebook) which sets up activity dates for a group of friends hanging out.  Great way to meet new potential dates in a pay your own way and no expectations of anything way.  Takes a bit of the stress off of it all and keeps the cost down.

I encourage you to make 2013 the year of getting "a round tu it".   Dust off that list of folks you wish you had time to get to know better and ask one out for dinner or coffee or a movie.  Worst case scenario?  They say no or don't show. (No shows being very rude, btw.) Move on to the next one.  It may happen that you have a great time.    And ya never know...SOMEBODY is having all that sex they talk about in the media...could be you and you and you and you.   And me.

Now let's see... where's MY list??

Guest post - dealing with violence

I habitually post a link to my blog postings to various Facebook places and tweet it.  One place I post is a Facebook group called Poly Friends All Over.  One of the comments to my last post was really helpful to me and I asked the author for permission to post it as a comment to my blog posting.  She was kind enough to agree to that.  Unfortunately it exceeds the length of comments.  Fortunately I happen to know the blog author intimately and she (me) was pleased to step-aside and post Felix's comment as a guest blog posting. I hope that this furthers discussion but more I hope it helps someone else like me in this bizarre situation.

From Felix A.:   When do we interfere with partners who are having issues? [link to blog posting]

Wow, that article [touched by violence] actually made my heart pound.

In answer to your question above, I think, as soon as you notice that something is wrong. Abuse and dysfunction flourish in isolation but when those who witness it speak up it can be enormously grounding for those involved who may have lost sight of what acceptable behaviour is and can provide an avenue for a victim to ask for support without having to initially overcome the shame of admitting it's happening in the first place. So, good for you for speaking up when you did.

As for the questions in the article - how to feel safe again - is there some way to achieve a state of absolute protection. . .trauma is caused by a sense of powerlessness, of lack of control. The unpredictability of this act, in the heart of your home, the place where you should feel safest, committed by someone who you allowed under your roof and considered a friend, has to have shaken the very foundations of your faith in your ability to judge character and foresee the outcomes of situations.

In order to live our lives, we all need to know that we are able to assess risk with a reasonable degree of accuracy. We all learn as we go of course and we all know that the bizarre and unexpected can happen once in a while, but our ability to make decisions - and to feel safe - is predicated on the idea that we can generally predict the possible outcomes of our decisions.

From what I have read here it seems to me that there is no way anyone could have really predicted this.

As I understand it, escalation of domestic violence from verbal abuse to deadly force in one single moment is quite rare. As someone who has experienced domestic violence I'm sure that you're keenly aware of the patterns and dynamics of that type of relationship and if there had been clear indications that the situation was becoming physically unsafe it's likely that you would have picked up on them. However, whatever the actual chances of such a sudden escalation may be, it happens, it happened, and statistics are rarely comforting.

The fear and apprehension that you feel now is a natural reaction, not only to the horror and proximity of the event, but to having your worldview shaken. The mental replaying of events, searching for foreshadowing that may have been overlooked or actions on your part that could have prevented this, is your mind's way of reintegrating your worldview. It will run its course.There may be some wisdom gleaned from it which you can apply to future situations, and that would be empowering, or you may find that - in your own considered evaluation - you did everything right. That you did everything you could, everything that you are willing to expect of yourself or anyone else in such a situation.

You will feel safe again. At first once in a while, then later, most of the time. You are safer now than you were the day before the shooting - but you didn't know that - and from there springs your apprehension.

There maybe a time of reevaluating your loyalty to people versus your willingness to be in proximity to volatile relationships, for it is true that there is a greater risk of interpersonal violence in such relationships, but where to draw the line? Where to find the balance between safety and compassion? There are two risks to be assessed here. There always are. One is of the all possible perils that come from without, the other is of the risk of making a prison of fear, of locking the doors of your house and your heart so tight that neither joy nor sorrow may enter. Every soul must trade these things off against each other and because of that there is no absolute protection. Even if absolute physical safety could be somehow assured, it would come at the price of never really living.

I don't know where you will find your balance between these things, but I do know that you will find it. I also know that it will always be changing and evolving, and always has been, it's just that right now you are acutely aware of it.

But that's the long view. Right now fear is keeping you up at night. This is again, perfectly natural. You have been through trauma and your body is probably still full of stress hormones, who wouldn't be jumpy? But also, who wants to live in fear?

I could tell you that this is a time to be very gentle with yourself - and it is. I could tell you that eventually the fear will fade as you process your trauma and life moves on - and it will, if simply allowing time to wear it away is what you choose to do.

What I want to tell you however, is how to banish fear. Immediately.

I know it can be done as I have done it, in a situation which had some similarities to your own. The trick is to simply refuse to feel it. I don't mean suppress it and refuse to acknowledge it. I don't mean distract yourself or run from it. I mean face it full on and blow it right out of the doors of your soul.

It is done like this: To grow so weary of its ugly presence in your life, or so pissed off that such a thing dare haunt you, especially at a time like this, that there comes a moment when you simply say no. No to its dark, dank, energy clinging around you and suppressing the brightness of your being. No to the unsteady quivering in your chest. No to the tenseness in your shoulders and no to ears constantly straining for the slightest sound out of place. No to even one more moment of being its victim.

Stand and feel how the floor rises up to meet your feet, solid and strong. This is your ground.

Yes, you are vulnerable, but so is everyone else. Yes, people can be dangerous, but so can you. This is not safety, it is acceptance. Acceptance that whatever may come your way, you can deal with it, and you can do so without fear, because you choose to. Know that you cannot control everything that will happen. Yes, it is wise to take precautions. This is not fear, it is reason. They may work or they may not. Do listen to your instincts, a feeling of fear related to an active situation is usually an important signal that there is danger present - but that is a very different thing than fear born of that which is past - that ambiguous and nebulous fear which taints the future moment by moment.Cast it out. It has no place within you.

Feel your shoulders and spine relax, feel your breath come easily.

Know that this, this decision, the ability to refuse to be afraid, is always and ultimately within your control.

touched by violence

The response around the world to the mass shooting in Newton, Conneticut has been interesting as people express shock and retrospective analysis of the causes and effects of various things from mental health issues, pharmaceutical use and gun control.  The media coverage of these kind of events gives one a sense of intimacy to the carnage and a rather depressing impression that random violence is more common these days than it every once was.

I'm not sure whether it is more common or we just hear about it more in our age of facebooking and tweeting about everything from life events to bowel movements.  I'm also not sure regulating  guns  with more restrictions and now the suggestion of putting armed guards in every school in the US is the solution.  A blanket solution to random sequences of events will not solve all the issues.  The most effective prevention might  have been to interfere when the red flags began to go up on troubled behaviour.

When do we do that and how alert do we need to be of the behaviour and attitudes of our neighbours, friends, co-workers, lovers and family members?  When do we stop being polite and uncomfortably avoiding people who are self-destructive?  When do we understand that it takes very little for their business to become very much our business and that the risk to our own safety is precarious?  Philosophizing about something that happened thousands of miles away is one thing but quite another when it happens in your own backyard.

I live in a large house that has an upper suite and a lower suite.  I live with my two partners and my teenaged son.  A lovely woman, her toddler daughter and my son's girlfriend live in the lower suite.  About a month ago, the woman downstairs reconciled with her boyfriend after several months apart.  Their relationship is quite toxic and they are both alcoholics.  They fought loudly and often.  She lost her job and they broke up in the same week.  During the period where he'd moved out and they were not involved, she straightened up her life and stopped drinking.    She got herself  a new job and was  starting AA.   My son's girlfriend moved in during that time.  The heavy drinking and arguments started again about two weeks ago.   We have been friendly with her and supportive of her desire to change her life around.  I spoke with her about the slamming doors, throwing things and yelling after the last spat about a week ago.  She said they were back in the same rut and she was working with him and her AA sponsor to change that.  I wanted to tell her to give her head a shake and get out of the relationship.  I did say that  two recovering addicts are not going to be able to stay on any wagon.  They need separate sponsors and a lot of support.  We worried about them and her child.  My son's girlfreind would not sleep in the apartment when the boyfriend was over which is when the daughter is at her dad's place.  She couldn't stand the fighting.

You can't make people fix their lives.  They have to want to do it and want to make changes.  You can only suggest, pray and hold their hands when they struggle. Or can you and should you do more?  Where is the line?

Two nights ago, there was a brief argument.  She told him to get out and someone went out onto their porch which is just below our bedroom window.  It was quiet and I snuggled in to go to sleep.  There were two gun shots  and a crash of glass.  She began to scream while I was on the phone to the police.  He may have intended to kill her first but he most definitely shot himself and died.  Five feet below my bedroom window.  Their business was definitely now mine.

I looked out the bedroom window to confirm to the dispatcher that I could see police officers on site so she'd let me hang up the phone.  I saw the lower part of his body and an officer near him.  The look on the officer's face is one I will not soon forget.

Her daughter was at the dad's place.  My son and his girlfriend were away overnight.  The neighbour to the right, heard the argument and was out on his porch having a smoke.  He saw the boyfriend kill himself.  The neighbour on the left and his wife were also on the phone to the police and heard the shots.  The wife had to go to emerg for what the husband thought was a heart attack later that night.

We were interviewed twice by the police and instructed to stay in our home.   During the first statement, she began to scream in a way that made your skin crawl.  I asked the cop interviewing me if that would indicate that he's been pronounced dead.  He said that was most likely the case.   As we waited for a second interview with a tape recorder, we began to try and analyse what had  likely happened by what we'd heard and seen.  After the second interview, the police cars and ambulances left.  The coroner came and went.  We sat up and tried to calm down.  Unfortunately, all we could think of is all the what ifs and ways that this could have gone down differently with more injuries and fatalities.  Retrospective analysis on how we might have interfered and prevented the outcome had moved through the shock to a jumpy sense of being alert to every noise.

Much has happened since then in terms of her grieving behaviour and the trauma sustained by those of us who were unwilling intimates to their business.  Police have been around the property constantly and the couple who own the house have been in contact.  All of us went to work the next day, and found some support in talking with co-workers and debriefing a bit.  We've heard her home but not spoken directly with her.  Victims Services and her friends and family have been surrounding her.  My son and his girlfriend don't feel safe and we are helping them find a place to move in as soon as possible.

While we and this unfortunate couple weren't involved as lovers/partners so not a poly configuration, we were friends and we considered them extended family.  We included them in family and poly group activities in our home and so on.  What happens in a poly relationship configuration when a relationship within that configuration devolves into domestic violence?   There was no abuser in this scenario.  No one was getting beat up and the verbal abuse was mutual.  I didn't realize that there was a gun in the house although I clearly remember comments NOW that indicated that there has been a gun or two in their suite for some time.  It didn't tweak me before.   Do we need to be so involved in other people's habits and issues that we can protect ourselves from the fallout?  How do we do that?  We have safer sex agreements and dating agreements.  Do we need acceptable habits, when to intervene and storage of weapons agreements?

Tragedy touches you and changes you, whether you were standing right there or just heard about it.   My partner says he doesn't know what to feel but I think its that we don't know which emotion to feel first.  We are scared, saddened, angry and aware of what else could have been saved or lost if any one moment had been different.

Tonight I'm grateful for the miracle of being alive and in a peaceful loving family.  I'm grateful for neighbours who share my trauma but worry about us.  I'm grateful for police, paramedics and victims services volunteers who were an amazing team.

I wish that I had insisted on coaching them on how to communicate non-violently as a couple.  I wish that I had hugged them more often and been a real nosey mom figure in their lives.

I wish with all my heart that he is at peace now and she will find closure and healing some day soon. 

I wish that I could shut out the instant replay tape in my head and stop sleeping in alert mode.  I wish that I wasn't sitting up now with the TV on, afraid to go to sleep and be vulnerable.  I  thought my home to be a safe sanctuary which is important to most people but on par with winning a gold medal  for me as I am a former battered wife.  Being exposed to a domestic war zone has triggered so much for me and likely why I interfered with their business as much as I did.  One never knows how much is enough and how much is too much.

The fallout to violence endures long after the shots are fired and impacts all who hear the news.   Is there a way to always protect ourselves and those we love from it or can we only ever minimize the risks and hope for the best?

Safer Sex for Teens Workshop Notes & Links

Safer Sex for Teens Workshop Notes

 - Aug 2012 - Polycamp NW

 - Information is power.  This workshop will give a light-hearted practical look at safer sex practices for teens and empower them to share their new understanding with their parents and peers.

Key Points to remember:

1. Your body and sexuality are a gift.  Always wrap it and do not accept the same gift from someone else unless it too is wrapped.

2. Your sexuality and your emotions are YOUR gift to give when YOU are ready and not when someone else thinks you are or should be or should give it because they need or want it.

3. You are special and being with you sexually and/or loved by you is a privilege.

4. Talk about safe sex options, plan and have condoms and other supplies BEFORE you are in an intimate situation.

 Resources highlighted during the discussion which followed the questions and not necessarily the format of these notes:

Basic safer sex:   http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/ten-tips-for-safer-sex.seriesId-225345.html  (HANDOUT)

Why Practice Safer Sex?

"Any sexual activity puts you at risk. The only way to be 100% free from risk of STDs is to not have sex. And youths are at high risk: Teens and young adults have the highest rates of STDs of any age group. In 2000, nearly half of the 19 million new STD cases occurred  among people ages 15-24.

About 35% of 14- to 19-year-olds are infected with human papilloma virus (HPV), the most common STD among teens. The HPV vaccine is recommended for girls ages 11 to 12, although it may be given to girls as young as age 9. Women up to age 26 should be vaccinated against strains of HPV associated with cervical cancer and genital warts."

"About 18% of all new HIV diagnoses are among people aged 13-24.

All of this can be a bit cumbersome, which is why so many people just don’t bother to use any form of protection, at least from time to time. That’s one of the reasons why there are so many unintended pregnancies and why STDs are so rampant. So if you’re going to engage in sexual intercourse, please make the effort to learn how to prevent pregnancies and STDs."

"Having intercourse has two potential outcomes: causing pleasure and making babies. You will have moments in your life when you’ll want to combine those two, but most of the time you’re going to want one without the other. That’s where contraception comes in. And the less worried you are about causing an unintended pregnancy or risking a disease, the more you’ll enjoy sex — sort of a two-for-the-price-of-one deal. This also works the other way, so if you opt to have sex without using contraception, and you don’t want to get pregnant or contract an STD, you’ll enjoy sex a lot less."

More specifically:

Safer oral sex: http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/how-to-have-safe-oral-sex.seriesId-225345.html  (HANDOUT)

Safer anal sex:  http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/how-to-have-safe-anal-sex.seriesId-225345.html  (HANDOUT)

What are the symptoms of STDs that I should look for?  Wouldn't you know if you had an STD or STI?  
 Nurse Sarah - my co-facilitator is a walking dictionary on how all of these diseases present if there are indeed visible symptoms as well as treatments and testing procedures. She gave some brief information and answered questions.

There are many diseases and infections that are spread sexually.  They vary from annoying to life threatening and all should be dealt with promptly but few have symptoms that are obvious.   The bottom line is that anyone can have something and not be aware of it - regardless of their level of sexual expertise or activity.  No matter what they themselves say or think.  YOU are in charge of protecting YOU and responsible for informing others if you have something or have been in contact with someone who has something.  An excellent resource for disease information and current data on same is Center for Disease Control 

Safer sex conversations with dating partners: (HANDOUT) –  Being Ready for Sex, Safer sex activities, If  Safer sex does not happen, Negotiating safer sex

  from  http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=243&np=291&id=2180

"Communication is an important part of sexual intimacy. For teens in particular, it’s important for sexual health and maturity. If you are in a relationship -- whether or not you are having sex -- you should talk to your partner about their sexual history for several reasons. It can help you establish sexual boundaries (whether you want to have sex or how far you’re willing to take the relationship sexually); it can help you learn if your partner has engaged in risky sex; and it can begin or continue a discussion about safe sex practices." 

"But talking can’t help determine whether your partner has an STD. Even if they assure you that they are sexually healthy, they may be infected with an STD and not know it. Three-fourths of women and half of men who are infected with chlamydia have no symptoms. “The only way to find out for sure if someone has an STD is to get tested,” says Bonnie Halpern-Felsher, PhD, professor of adolescent medicine and pediatrics at the University of California, San Francisco."

Safer sex conversations with peers: encouraging others to be informed and be safe     - Elevator Speech   -   rest of HAND OUT  Common excuses for not practicing safer sex, Persuasion line to have safer sex.

An Elevator Speech is a short 2 minute speech you have memorized and at the ready for when a topic comes up in a quick moment like in an elevator or in this case in a moment of unexpected intimacy. Often used as a marketing tool for start up entrepreneurs this is frequently used by poly people to explain poly to others new to the idea.  I recommend it here for discussions with peers and especially dating partners. You have made your decision about whether you are ready for sex or not and what your safer sex preferred options are and why.  You know your speech and are prepared for any arguments. This link (http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=243&np=291&id=2180 )  gives you some "lines" to use in this speech.

Safer sex conversation with parents:  encouraging parents to be informed, safe and trust that you are.

 "You don't need your parents' permission to make choices about birth control in most states. Minors are explicitly granted the right to contraceptive services in 21 states and Washington D.C.; four states have no specific policy; and the remaining 25 states explicitly allow the right to contraceptive services in certain circumstances."

In Canada, provinces vary but generally once you are 16 yrs old you can make health care choices for yourself and you are covered under your parents basic provincial health care insurance until you are 18 or 19 yrs of age.  Medical clinics will take you as a drop in and you can get STD testing there. Most communities have a clinic that specializes in Sexual health and has free condoms, counselling, and testing.

"Most health care providers will discuss your birth control needs and choices confidentially. Most family planning clinics keep visits confidential, and some provide free birth control. If you use your parents’ insurance, it will show up on their insurance statement."

  

"Experts urge teens to talk with their parents or other trusted adults (a health care provider, for instance) about safe sex practices. Teenagers' peers can sometimes be an unreliable source of information -- or worse, a source of peer pressure. Parents or other grownups can help teens get accurate information about protection from STDs and unwanted pregnancies."

"There may be another benefit of talking to your parents besides delaying sex: stronger relationships, says Halpern-Felsher. “Teens who preemptively talk to their parents about relationships and safe sex are more likely to have healthy relationships and less health risk,” according to Halpern-Felsher." 

 Another benefit to talking with parents particularly if you live in a poly household is that poly adults most often have safer sex agreements amongst them and may have added advice on how to develop one for yourself.  Generally any parent should be pleased to know that you want to be wiser and that you are working out one for yourself but sometimes we forget our babies aren't babies anymore.  I'd like mine to avoid all the hard learning curves, be healthy in body, emotion and spirit. Be gentle with us but please let us be there for you.  

Interestingly enough it was my daughter who had the safer sex talk with me perhaps a dozen years ago now.  I had divorced and re-entered the dating scene.  I married before AIDS and all this safe sex stuff.  She lectured me and gave me pamphlets.  "I love you, Mom.  I want you safe."  The idea that I had choices about these things an a right to draw a safer sex line in the sand was pretty radical and then I found polyamory and well....radical took on a new meaning entirely.

But I digress...

In the workshop session there were parents amongst attendees and facilitators.  We shared the circumstances of our first sexual experiences and our safer sex agreements with the teens attending.  One of the attendees was a 28 year old who noted that she had had opportunity to be sexually active but had remained a virgin and that it was definitely okay to wait until you were ready.  I myself was 19 and pressured into being sexually active before I was ready and had to sort that emotional baggage out.  Others were teens or young adults and had that first experience with someone that they married and are still with.  

The teens attending were supported by their parents in attending the class and the discussion was lively.  Even the shy guy in the corner paid rapt attention.  When they did a wrap up of the camp at which we had presented, our workshop with noted as a highlight.

I'm pleased that a group of great teens got this message. They were given a business card with this blog address to take home  and are to pass it on.  My hope is that the messages here will save someone somewhere from distress and illness. 

Quotes above are from these sites unless otherwise noted:

http://teenadvice.about.com/od/sexsexuality/tp/safe_sex_101.htm

http://www.safeteens.org/    (especially section under "relationships")

http://teens.webmd.com/rm-quiz-safe-sex

http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=243&np=291&id=2180   (excellent "lines" for your elevator speech)

http://www.canada.com/health/Safe+Talking+your+teen+about+sexually+transmitted+infections/5824549/story.html

http://suite101.com/article/high-school-and-sex-education-a14746