Thursday, March 21, 2013

and more on dating

I did it.  I dusted off my list - sort of.  There's a new app that goes with OKCupid called Crazy Blind Date.  I installed it and said when I would be available in the next week.  I updated my various profiles both in the text part and in the photo part.  And I waited.  Well I perved other people's profiles too but mostly I waited.

Crazy Blind Date found me a date within a day or two for three days hence.  I message the guy and tell him to look for my jacket. They give you a name and a photo that is cut into cubes and mixed around so you can see bits but not the full face.  I decided the wisdom of OKCupid was trustworthy enough and showed up at the location on the appointed date and time.  Early actually.  I bought a cup of tea and sat where I could see both entrances.  It's only Timmy's not some dark bar.  It's 7:00pm not after midnight. I'm in a public place but my partner sits on the other side of the restaurant surfing on the free WiFi.  Just to be sure that I'm safe meeting a stranger.  I'm more worried that I've no clue what to talk about.

I wait. 7:00pm
And wait. 7:30pm
And wait. 7:45 pm

At 10 to 8 I see a little number one go up beside the icon for the Crazy Blind Date app on my phone.  I've a message from the guy.  "Hey I didn't realize this date was a go and just now checked the app.  I can still come but will take me 30 minutes to get to Timmy's."

Hmm.  Not sure if I want to give him points for messaging me at all or bounce him to the curb for being a putz. I won't agree to waiting for him to show as its getting late and I have to consider keeping my partner waiting around on the other side of the restaurant.  He says he's just ended a relationship and just wants some casual friends.  Hmm.  I decide that I'll take the middle ground and swap email addresses and OKCupid profile names for another time.  We do this.  I see that his profile has a photo and very little else and he's new to OKCupid with none of the "questions" answered that the system uses to tell you if you are compatible. Clearly the matchmaking factor was entirely availability.  I leave it to him to contact me as agreed and as I've not heard a word figure he's not into polyamory which is all over my profile.  My daughters' cats can do better matchmaking.

I have had several people contact me on OKCupid recently too.  It seems to get busy as either Spring or Christmas draw near.  Horny and Lonely times?  No idea but it is like clockwork every year. 

Here's a recent conversation:
SOMEDUDE: Hi [My ID but spelled wrong]. I want to be adventrous suddenly. I must admit I do not have any experience. Tell me more please

SOMEDUDE: Good Morning sweet Lady - can we meet or chat beffore I pull out from here tomorrow.

ME: Thanks for your notes. I'm just recovering from a couple of days down with the flu so not up for it.

SOMEDUDE:I want to pull out of the site. I am embarrassed as some ladies have turned me down. When can I know of your decision ? I wish you speedy recovery. Please boil ginger in hot water and add little lemon and honey. Drink it and your flu will disappear sooner

SOMEDUDE: Thank you for the response. Give me good news please 

SOMEDUDE:  I just realized you are in Victoria. Do you want to recommend a lady to me in Vancouver area please

ME: Here's my opinion only: no photo is a no for me. Your message was very friendly and kind hearted. I don't get that from your profile. You may be lonely and depressed but that is not good advertising. Profile should tell me enough to interest me. You want sex and you drink is what I get from yours. So that is you and about 10 other guys on this site everyday for most women. What is there about you that makes you different? Put that in your profile unless it is the size of your penis. Women want to be inspired by your kindness or swept away by your romantic side. Very few want to rescue someone from lack of sex. There are some though so change your profile or carry on as you see fit. For me, there is nothing of interest in what you have written to motivate me to meet you. I wish you good fortune.

SOMEDUDE: Thank you. I get what you say. I think I will give up for the time being. Best of luck ffor you 

So besides the points I noted in my response, you know why this guy is getting no where?  No photo and high pressure.  Desperation is NOT a turn on.

Is any of this different because I'm poly.  Well in the first instance, I much prefer to be upfront about being poly.  I won't be mono ever again.  Not a lifestyle choice but an absolute core part of my personality.  I multi-task and happily share everything.  So yeah not enough criteria in the match making process on that app for me.  Even the better criteria of a custom search on OKCupid itself doesn't help me.  Most of the people who would put polyamory in their profile on OKCupid and are local to me, I already know and have dated or we've mutually crossed each other off the to date list.  I hate long distance relationships.

And really the crux of it is that I have two awesome men in my life full time as well as two and sometimes three kinda cute other men in my life when the schedule goddesses cooperate - I'm just a tad fussy pants about who else to add to all those balls in the air - pardon the pun.

I wouldn't mind to find a girl friend though.  Bi-sexuality being quite common in the poly community, I know I'm not alone in that wish.  In Vancouver they have an active Bi Women's group and from that have come speed dating events and coming up in April -  Aunt Poly's Slow Dating for Women who Date Women ( ) where you fill out a survey and they match you with other women for a 10 minute date at the event.
The problems for me are the interactions of new people with my existing relationships and an extreme ineptness at woman to woman bonding. Also when your schedule is so complicated you are just willing to compromise on fewer things.

Why don't I just be happy with what I've got and give it up?  I do for the most part actually.  I multi-task more that just my love life and my universe is a very busy place.  Too pooped to pop.  Still, there is that part of me that feels the lack of a feminine bond  - a BFF - a playmate.

 Key for poly dating is keeping a balance of time and energy between new partners and existing partners.  That is not always easy to monitor when you are in the depths of new relationship energy but even after that has faded it is really important to touch base frequently to make sure what you perceive is accurate.

Key for any king of dating is keeping the search to the idea that making new friends is the objective and long term love or sexual interactions could be a bonus along the way but is not the goal of dating.  Then relax and have fun.  Interacting with other people should be more like a day at an adventure theme park and less like exploratory surgery.    

Relax.  Take the risk to make a new friend.  Be true to your self  but polite and respectful in your treatment of others. Yeah that means respond to messages with a no thanks and show up if you book a date.  Don't scope them out and leave without saying hi.  We all have feelings and egos.  Do not however be so polite that you make yourself unsafe. 

Good luck in your travels and comment here to tell me how you do.  Now....where was that link to Aunt Poly's event?????

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