Monday, May 28, 2012

Theory vs Practice

There are as many variations to poly relationships as there are stars in the sky. That is as it should be given the diversity in humans. The problem comes when we decide that our variation is better than someone else's. It might well be better for us but not so much the others in our life. From birth we know that getting our own needs met is essential to survival and learn to interact with others to achieve that. In a perfect poly-icious world, the conversations we have are building blocks to agreements we make with our friends and family in order to facilitate getting the most needs met with the least amount of conflict.
Men and women are equally likely to agree to something totally at odds with themselves in the heat of passion and regret it for years afterward. One can't really point fingers either because we've all done it.
It was with these bits of wisdom that I listened to some friends vent about their poly configuration. Several people in this group are unable to stand up to a very assertive woman who seems to protect her own sense of insecurity by bullying the others into submission. It frequently amazes me to note that the people with the biggest cavern of insecurity appear to be the most accomplished and confident.
It occurred to me that the level of control and inability to have open honest feedback was very sad but also very much a poly scenario.
Anytime humans are involved things will get messy and poly is very complex to start with. Being poly or living in multipartnered relationships isn't a constant state of hippie nirvana. It is daily work and constant feedback. It is never a done deal. All agreements have to be growing and evolving living things because the relationships they manage and the people they embrace are. That's what makes poly different. Growth is not just wise to empower - it is essential when you multiply the interactions.

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